Monday, May 26, 2003

Airport! Padang! South China Plain!

I spent an uneventful evening yesterday looking for an "honest" bra. My chest is as 2 dimensional as the South China Plain. Despite that, I am still expected to wear a strangling and restrictive, sweat-retaining, presumably-supportive inner clothing accessory commonly known as the rude three letter word -- the bra.
My entire evening was as fruitless as traumatised my chest was, with all the trying-ons of ridiculously conical bras which the measly amount of flesh I have been endowed with could not fill. I hate wearing falsees, yet I am not brave enough to go strutting in public with a mere piece of cloth with no shape to cover the vulgar looking dots.
I went up to countless bra-selling assistants and made my case clear, Do you have anything for me? I'm very Bi (Hokkien for flat), like Primary 4 girl, but I don't want the training bras, must be able to wear T-shirt wan.
[Terminology for non-bra-wearing humans: A training bra is made of cloth only; it has no cup shape. As its name suggests, it is meant to train pubescent girls, at an average age of 7 years my junior, who are beginning to grow there, to get accustomed to the cruel practice of wearing a proper bra.]

Thursday, May 08, 2003

The Father

Mum was quite upset today. Not the over-traumatised kind of upset, it was a frustrated though resigned gentle burst, than steady flow of emotions. We might go to Australia to run away from Father: Mum, Cui and me. Mum has done some calculations: likelihood of gaining PR status there, what amount results from liquidating everything in Singapore, education in Australia etc. She seems quite serious about it.
Initially, I thought that that would be an exciting and favourable alternative to staying in Singapore, where we are stuck to the man who causes so much unhappiness and tension at home. Furthermore, overseas living would be an different and interesting experience, along with having a foreign education. Different lifestyle -- we might even end up living in a house! Who knows?
But then, the next thing, the counter-argument, which came to my mind was Ly. How could I leave him behind? Sure, we can talk over the phone, e-mails, video-conferencing through webcams.. but I can't feel him. That was frightening. Not that either one of us is some lusty creature, but touch is ever so important in any relationship. Even if I could overcome that, will I trust him to keep me and only me in his heart while I'm away, and will he trust me? Will I be able to maintain a long-distance relationship without "straying", will he? He's bonded to the MOE for another 7 years, his bond ends in 2010. That's when I'm 25. I don't suppose I can get him to come to Australia then, in the event that I want to settle down there.

Am I jumping the gun? Perhaps Mum said that all in a moment of frustration and rashness. Have I accurately perceived the severity of the matter?

The more immediate worry now should be Mum. All that she said about Australia could simply be a way to express how she's feeling now.

Pa is losing in all aspects of the battle: ideological, political and economic. There is only one area which he reigns in now -- military force. That's one thing the rest of us have no control over.
He is fast losing me. I am losing hope of ever changing him, or seeing any future in our father-daughter relationship. Cuiwen doesn't look like she's on his side either.
He borrows money from Mum and promises to return her, but doesn't. When confronted now, he accuses Mum of causing his downfall and demands compensation instead. Mum can't say no. The despicable scheming man, the absurdity of it all. How sad.
How can he not expect me to know that he pays for practically nothing in the house when he blatantly passes me $2 and says, "Na, Wei, wo qing ni chi MacDonalds, " after winning a few hundred in his 4D gambling obsession?

I don't know what God wants me to do now. Would he want me to leave my father, or sin more in trying to salvage the situation? I really don't know. This isn't a black-and-white matter.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

WeiWei & Me

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