Thursday, June 05, 2003

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with emotions now. There was a emotional and heated discussion on the fact that Ms Chong has been posted to Ministry in the last term before our ‘A’ Levels, and a petition regarding this matter put up by Alex.

I don’t feel as much for the situation which everyone is so involved in now as I do for the general broader scope of things. Amidst the two-faced Ram, K the arbitrator, do-something-about-it Alex, doubts of the masses on the quality of the new teacher, accusing the ministry for such making such an unfair move etc., I feel very sad. Not quite at the situation, but at how people are taking to it.

With respect to Alex and the petition, I have some degree of admiration for that guy. I had previously passed him off as a talk-big-full-of-unattainable-ideals-unrealistic-do-nothing guy, but this time, he has proven himself.

What I think is grossly lacking in the whole matter is the basic human capability to understand. The capability is there, I believe, but not many are actually bothering to use it. The petition and all the non-written, verbal grievances comes across to me as an expression of self-interest. I don’t feel as if there is much thought, if any, given to the parties directly involved, other than us. Take for example, the Ms Chong’s personal good in the long run, the ministry’s needs, the new teacher who is to come in.
Yet, in contrast to this huge element of self-interest, there also is the intention to do, or at least seek good. Unfortunately, well intentions don’t come out and/or are not interpreted with the same good it originally vied for. It’s such a pity – not as a cliché but really a pity.
I felt like crying just now. I did tear a little, to be honest. I simply felt so helpless in and sorry for this state of human politics.

Monday, June 02, 2003

I've hurt someone yet again. I can't help it. Actually, I'm not sure whether I can. But I am glad for this time, I think I've nipped it in the bud before the situation got worse (i.e. that that person could get more hurt if I had let it dragged on). I attacked the problem in its infancy. It'd hurt a little, but not as much as it would had I let it continue to grow.

God is good. I prayed for my wandering heart and He gave me peace in a matter of days. Perhaps I need to pray for the above matter too.

I want to be totally honest, but, as I told YC, I fear rejection.
I like talking to him. He is frank and he sees more of the real me compared to most of the class at least. When I make a seemingly casual statement (as how most people and sometimes, even myself, would take it), he does not merely laugh over it and pass it off. Instead, he questions the source of such a statement. He asks the "why" and "how" questions. I really like that. It makes me feel that I'm being treated seriously.

The me whom everyone saw last year is still the same me this year. Last year, the me they saw was the ditsy, idiotic, brainless giggling irritant. This year, it's different. But I have not changed -- not much at least. It's only my mask which I have been forced to changed.