Friday, July 11, 2003

Thy Loving Kindness

I've been praying. God has been very kind and patient with me.
The little requests I make, He answers me within a short span of time, often instantly. Simple immediate requests can range from removing a particular distraction from my mind (e.g. the death of Laleh and Laden) in order to concentrate on my quiet time to helping me live my day with Him in mind.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Justifications of Growing Up

I’m stressed. The teenage angst.
Having just finished a round of exams last week, I have got wind that the next round of exams – the Prelims – is due next month (August).
I’m frightened. I am no academician. I may have some good brains, but not in the area pertaining to studies.

I’m growing up to fast. I want to skip stages and quickly move into the get-married-and-start-a-family stage; I don’t want to remain in Junior College. It’s not because I can’t study that I want to get married. It’s just some weird instincts kicking in. I can’t wait to have my own children, and be a mother. My ambition is to be a mother. Teaching is secondary and just a supplementary component of life.

I find myself so often justifying my level of maturity – initially, to others, but more recently, to myself. I don’t know where I stand on that timeline anymore. Why are my maternal instincts kicking in before my academic survival intuitions?

In the past month, I’ve become increasingly paranoid. I use the term paranoid, because I agree that this worry is uncalled for. I’m afraid that Ly will get sick of me, or even indifferent towards me. I accept the fact that we have moved from the initial wooing stage to a later, more mature and less "exciting" phase of the relationship. Yet, I am unable to embrace that in my life. As Ly said in frustration, I am indeed pining for the past – so much so that I can’t move forward, we can’t move forward. I want that attention I got in the past, and the security it gives me. I want to be certain and confident of the future (I have a compelling desire to be in control of my life). This is not only an unfruitful attitude, it is also detrimental now. The way Ly and I see it, it’s upsetting me, hence it's not of any good use. I long for hugs and physical touches that suggest that I am still loved. Ly would say of course I am, silly me. I think I know that, but I just want tangible reassurances.

I asked God why I am the way I am. Why can’t I be like all, or most, of the teenagers and take each day as it comes? This weird maturity of mine – it is both blessing and curse. I consoled and tried to convince myself that there is good in what I am. Perhaps God will use this gift of mine to help others. I don’t know. I understand and accept what others are saying about the way my unhealthy manner of thinking and I believe them totally. But this is the first time, despite this personal agreement, I don’t seem to be able to apply that in my life. I’m still in a quagmire.

Some amount of stress hit me yesterday, a timely mix of my worries over the A Levels and over Ly and my future. I just cried. I didn’t know after a while what I was crying about, but it sure felt good. I let the tears come down, and let my nose feel funny. I allowed my lips to quiver in weakness. I cried twice. Once on my own in my room, and the other when I was walking Ly out to the main entrance Clubhouse. In the darkness and strolling by the pool, I held Ly's hand and cried as I walked him out. He’ll be away for about 4 days, having a live-in orientation at NIE from today (Wednesday) to Saturday. I wished he had given me a nice warm hug before he left. He didn’t, just a squeeze. He’s so apathetic now -- so confident -- I feel.
The last few weeks, I’ve seen how his RPG computer game and Anime took priority over me. It made me scared, fearful of what I’ll mean to him in a while more.