Justifications of Growing Up

I’m stressed. The teenage angst.
Having just finished a round of exams last week, I have got wind that the next round of exams – the Prelims – is due next month (August).
I’m frightened. I am no academician. I may have some good brains, but not in the area pertaining to studies.

I’m growing up to fast. I want to skip stages and quickly move into the get-married-and-start-a-family stage; I don’t want to remain in Junior College. It’s not because I can’t study that I want to get married. It’s just some weird instincts kicking in. I can’t wait to have my own children, and be a mother. My ambition is to be a mother. Teaching is secondary and just a supplementary component of life.

I find myself so often justifying my level of maturity – initially, to others, but more recently, to myself. I don’t know where I stand on that timeline anymore. Why are my maternal instincts kicking in before my academic survival intuitions?

In the past month, I’ve become increasingly paranoid. I use the term paranoid, because I agree that this worry is uncalled for. I’m afraid that Ly will get sick of me, or even indifferent towards me. I accept the fact that we have moved from the initial wooing stage to a later, more mature and less "exciting" phase of the relationship. Yet, I am unable to embrace that in my life. As Ly said in frustration, I am indeed pining for the past – so much so that I can’t move forward, we can’t move forward. I want that attention I got in the past, and the security it gives me. I want to be certain and confident of the future (I have a compelling desire to be in control of my life). This is not only an unfruitful attitude, it is also detrimental now. The way Ly and I see it, it’s upsetting me, hence it's not of any good use. I long for hugs and physical touches that suggest that I am still loved. Ly would say of course I am, silly me. I think I know that, but I just want tangible reassurances.

I asked God why I am the way I am. Why can’t I be like all, or most, of the teenagers and take each day as it comes? This weird maturity of mine – it is both blessing and curse. I consoled and tried to convince myself that there is good in what I am. Perhaps God will use this gift of mine to help others. I don’t know. I understand and accept what others are saying about the way my unhealthy manner of thinking and I believe them totally. But this is the first time, despite this personal agreement, I don’t seem to be able to apply that in my life. I’m still in a quagmire.

Some amount of stress hit me yesterday, a timely mix of my worries over the A Levels and over Ly and my future. I just cried. I didn’t know after a while what I was crying about, but it sure felt good. I let the tears come down, and let my nose feel funny. I allowed my lips to quiver in weakness. I cried twice. Once on my own in my room, and the other when I was walking Ly out to the main entrance Clubhouse. In the darkness and strolling by the pool, I held Ly's hand and cried as I walked him out. He’ll be away for about 4 days, having a live-in orientation at NIE from today (Wednesday) to Saturday. I wished he had given me a nice warm hug before he left. He didn’t, just a squeeze. He’s so apathetic now -- so confident -- I feel.
The last few weeks, I’ve seen how his RPG computer game and Anime took priority over me. It made me scared, fearful of what I’ll mean to him in a while more.