Thursday, October 05, 2006

End-of-the-Week Blues..

I feel very lonely tonight.

It’s the end of the week (I have a 4-day school week) and I have work to do, but I also have time. That means I have the opportunity to go into myself (basically, get in touch with me), and right now, I long for some intimate conversation and some loving attention.

I get conversation in hall at meal times, but the satisfaction I get from these social exchanges is often determined by where I happen to sit, or rather, whom I sit with, along the long dining table. As you can probably guess, today’s conversation mate wasn’t quite engaging, so I’m left with this social void in me.

Ly’s at Aikido tonight, so for the first time this week, when I finally have got the time and truly want to talk to him, I can’t because he isn’t available.

I play my French feel-good MP3’s or turn on my radio (radio is slightly better because there’s a DJ that makes the audio a little more humanly interactive), but I don’t think I can completely drown out this loneliness in me.

Come to think of it, I wonder what it’s like being overseas with no one close and dear near and accessible to me. Yet, I think perhaps being overseas (for a short while) might actually not see me experiencing this awful feeling now. It’s the knowledge of having people near me, yet not accessible, that gives me this disappointed and needy feeling.

Oh boy, I sound so angsty, so secondary-school.

There was an invited guest speaker from AWARE in place of my lecturer this afternoon. The topic was domestic violence. The speaker broadened the concept of abuse to many of the non-physical aspects (e.g intimidation that includes reckless driving, threat of violence, blackmail, blame and denial, isolating the victim from her sources of social support etc.).

It was an emotionally difficult lecture for me and I found myself trying to conceal the dabbing away of my tears by blowing my nose. Luckily, Eugene (curly hair), who was next to me, was too engrossed in the lecture to notice me. I had this ex-boyfriend guy sitting in front of me and I can’t remember if he knows anything of my family background. He did turn back, but I wasn’t sure if he noticed my tears. Ah.. it doesn’t matter I guess.

I’m sorry, dear reader, if I’m just going on and on.. Just allow me to be a little self-indulgent for a while. I told you I needed conversation right? A monologue’s about half of that.

I know I should be praying and doing my quiet time now that I’ve got some time and I’ve got this void in me, but these feelings are just so distracting.