Thursday, November 30, 2006

Lea Salonga Gets Married

As some of you may know, Lea Salonga (from the Miss Saigon fame) is my most worshipped vocal goddess. She recently got married and had a baby.

I love this one. The vocal recording has been integrated with the video taken from her wedding.

I always tear when I watch this (about 10 times). I think it's the strategic way the violin is arranged into this piece along with Rob Chien (her husband) crying as she walks down the aisle. I have a penchant for crying men.. ;p

Let me know if you like it too. I have always wondered whether I have an acquired taste, or Lea Salonga is plain international.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Happy Entry Finally!

The BF has gone overseas.. literally.. he took a boat, crossed over the sea, and is now in Batam rara-ing with the church camp that I would have loved to be part of but can't because of my university exams.

But I have a date tomorrow night! Scandalous.. muahahhaa...

I'm going to watch a play tomorrow evening, "Secret Bridesmaids' Business", a play to fulfil my Theatre Studies module exam requirement, and frankly, a break from studying. 2nd year studying doesn't seem all that fun anymore.

My date.. is a girl friend! Yey! I have not watched a show with a female companion (besides Mum and Sis) for eons because I watch all my shows with the BF. I'm really excited. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same euphoria I'm experiencing now... Hahaha.. I'm jubilant!

I'm really excited.. We're going to catch dinner too. =)))))
We had a really high-frequency girly nice conversation in the middle of my dreary night of studying. It really cheered me up. Had been feeling melancholic today.

The thing about girl friends is that there are so little expectations (compared to BFs) between us. And there's a certain craziness that comes about from being in an all-girl environment.

Yey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

I feel jumpy...

Monday, November 06, 2006

News! News! Updates!

Hi guys,

Just visited my blog since a long time ago. The last few entries have been very angsty and tiring to read. My apologies. I'll try to write when I'm in better spirits. It's not that I haven't been, but I guess when I'm in the dumps and feel like I have no where else to go, this blog is my lastest of last resorts.

By the fact that I am here again means things aren't that fine and dandy, but I shan't brood.

I have some good news though. I'm going to the University of California, Berkeley next semester (probably departing on 6 January 07 on a non-SIA flight). It's a student exchange programme for one semester (no $ and guts to apply for a whole year there).

Oh, and I am moving house somewhere in this month. Mum just got the keys to our new place at Dover. Yes, it's a farcry from living in the east. My Mum has got this itchy backside syndrome -- this is my 7th home, and Mum's on the way to getting her 13th car (one car after the other, not the concurrent ownership of 13 cars).

It's a two-bedroom apartment for our family of 3 (Dad's a part-time feature). Cui can wake up 15 minutes before school starts. I think Mum is trying to chase me out of the house -- my sister and I are going to have a problem with wardrobe space. We currently have 2 cupboards each.. Now it'd be halved.

I'll still live in hall since I won't quite have the privacy of a bedroom to myself there and both my sister and I are quite bulky creatures. Ah.. but it'd be nice to know that family is just 10minutes away compared to 40minutes now.

These transitions seem quite exciting..

I'm really excited about Berkeley. Everyday a new thrill comes to me:

  • I'll get to eat all the salad to my heart's content (it'd probably be more decently priced in America than here in Singapore).

  • I'll get to use a laptop (I don't own one now, but I'll have to get one specially for this overseas stint), mobile information technology.

  • I'll have to stop using Singlish and slow down my erratic-speeded speech. I won't form the racial majority. I may not be the most outspoken in class anymore.

  • I'll have a new hostel and a new community to live with.

  • I'll get to go shopping in a new fashion area. I can probably buy kids' sizes. Pants may finally fit my non-Asian 36" ass.

  • I'll get to attend a new church and observe a different style of churchiness.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

End-of-the-Week Blues..

I feel very lonely tonight.

It’s the end of the week (I have a 4-day school week) and I have work to do, but I also have time. That means I have the opportunity to go into myself (basically, get in touch with me), and right now, I long for some intimate conversation and some loving attention.

I get conversation in hall at meal times, but the satisfaction I get from these social exchanges is often determined by where I happen to sit, or rather, whom I sit with, along the long dining table. As you can probably guess, today’s conversation mate wasn’t quite engaging, so I’m left with this social void in me.

Ly’s at Aikido tonight, so for the first time this week, when I finally have got the time and truly want to talk to him, I can’t because he isn’t available.

I play my French feel-good MP3’s or turn on my radio (radio is slightly better because there’s a DJ that makes the audio a little more humanly interactive), but I don’t think I can completely drown out this loneliness in me.

Come to think of it, I wonder what it’s like being overseas with no one close and dear near and accessible to me. Yet, I think perhaps being overseas (for a short while) might actually not see me experiencing this awful feeling now. It’s the knowledge of having people near me, yet not accessible, that gives me this disappointed and needy feeling.

Oh boy, I sound so angsty, so secondary-school.

There was an invited guest speaker from AWARE in place of my lecturer this afternoon. The topic was domestic violence. The speaker broadened the concept of abuse to many of the non-physical aspects (e.g intimidation that includes reckless driving, threat of violence, blackmail, blame and denial, isolating the victim from her sources of social support etc.).

It was an emotionally difficult lecture for me and I found myself trying to conceal the dabbing away of my tears by blowing my nose. Luckily, Eugene (curly hair), who was next to me, was too engrossed in the lecture to notice me. I had this ex-boyfriend guy sitting in front of me and I can’t remember if he knows anything of my family background. He did turn back, but I wasn’t sure if he noticed my tears. Ah.. it doesn’t matter I guess.

I’m sorry, dear reader, if I’m just going on and on.. Just allow me to be a little self-indulgent for a while. I told you I needed conversation right? A monologue’s about half of that.

I know I should be praying and doing my quiet time now that I’ve got some time and I’ve got this void in me, but these feelings are just so distracting.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Eugene (Curly Hair) -- My Sexless Friend

Eugene (curly hair) is Eugene (curly hair) because there is one too many Eugenes in my phone contact list.

He is as sexless as an amoeba.

To be sociologically correct (afterall, Sociology is what both Eugene and I study in NUS), he is *genderless with respect to me.

Eugene (curly hair) is currently my favourite male friend. He makes me feel more human than woman. Gender is a complicated thing, something which has given me much trouble recently in my relationship. So it was nice being with my "agender" (to the tune of 'apathy' and 'apolitical')friend yesterday afternoon. We went shopping together at Raffles City. I am honestly no fan of shopping; I don't take too well with parting with my money over obviously-overpriced merchandise (which is basically almost everything in Singapore malls). Yet, his company not only relieved me of the moodiness I have been experiencing the last couple of weeks, but also made my shopping experience therapeutic.

He gives me attention, but not because I am female. He isn't lecherous in the way he looks at me; he doesn't focus on my physical attributes in his gaze or comments. Neither does he try hard to be a 'man' in my presence. Simply said, my feminine side isn't self-conscious when I am with Eugene (curly hair). I am purely human, untainted by gender.

I admit I was in a vulnerable state yesterday, but this very decent guy took no advantage of that. He advised me totally as a friend with my best interests at heart.

I trust him so much that I know if I were wasted (which I have never been, and doubt I would be in the near future), I could trust him to take me home safely.

Thanks for a wonderful time yesterday, Eugene (curly hair).

*Sex is a physical attribute; Eugene (curly hair) definitely has a penis (not that I've seen or felt it, but I believe it exists somewhere, some size under that zipper). Gender, on the other hand, is a social construct. Gender is what makes men feel compelled to take care of women, pay for their drinks and conquer them, and what makes women wear ridiculousy uncomfortable apparel to be feminine, expect men to be decisive, are attracted to men physically larger etc. Gender is such a powerful social construct that we never notice how corporate women in pants often command more respect and power than women in flowery skirts (i.e. because it is still very much a man's world and feminism is regarded a symbol of weakness).





The morning after: On hindsight, Eugene does practise gender. He opened the door for me and sent me home in a cab that night. Perhaps at the end of the day, sex and gender aside, what I got from Eugene was simply his care, respect and regard for me as a human, as a friend.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Hollywood 1: Hink 0

I don't trust men.

I thought I had gone past that stage, looked beyond my own upbringing, when I found myself trusting my happiness to Ly. But on second thought, it's probably just him -- his inability to lie and his simpleness. How many men are truly like this?

If this relationship does not work out, I'll probably not love again. I still want my kids, I think. So I'll adopt. One, maybe two. Be a single mum. It's ok. My mum did it, and did it well too. Who needs a father anyway? Of course, he'll be nice to have, but not a necessity.

I might date to pass time, but I'll never commit and I'd reject love all the way until I'm in my late 30s or 40s when the fear of loneliness outweighs the risk of getting hurt. At that point, I might be at the peak of my career (yes, I'll work on my career then since there isn't anyone left to invest my energies in); a seemingly confident, self-sufficient woman.

He'll probably be someone who has been through something similar too, but years of hardening and lovelesssness have made him forget what it was like to be hurt and those self-protective jaded feelings would by then have given way to a stronger yearning for a loving companionship.
He'll resurrect my insecurities (women don't forget as easily as men) and then gently settle them. He'll do something ridiculously romantic -- Hollywoodish -- and I'll fall hopelessly prey to him. He'll take care of my children like they were his too. I might have that kind of romance and a wedding with an aging bride and groom. My kids would like him and would be happy for Mummy.

Ah.. Stupid Hollywood. Why does that money-churning industry leave its stupid dreams in my mind? Stupid dreams that never get fulfilled and leave me wanting. I am a sucker.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


And a sore below is the penalty for wasting yet another one of my precious eggs in the prime of my life -- by not allowing it to fuse with a sperm and reproduce myself. My poor egg got dispelled in a mess of tissue and blood. No good came out of it. Couldn't even make an omelette out of it.

Friday, July 07, 2006

This daughter has died.

The last tear for my father fell today.

None of my heart will go to this man anymore.

I've tried for more than a decade to work things out between us. Mum always told me not to try talking sense to him, not to hope that I can change him. She knows him best, she would say. "He can't change. You can't reason with a child. You are no hero, don't think you can do anything about him. I've tried for years and I have long given up because I know what he is capable of. Just leave it to God."

There came that point when I started questioning the source of authority and love that brought me up. Could she be wrong? Is he that hopeless and unchangeable as Mum claims? Is he that unreasonable? I tried. I really did. Sometimes, it seemed I broke through and things improved, communication channels opened. Then in the middle of good times, just when I begin to feel that I have a father, he erupts, spewing threats and violence. And I wonder.

Once all things are well again, the cycle starts. We build things up again and they go up in flames several months later.

I am 21 now. I have been fighting with him since my eyes were opened to the injustice plaguing my household. That man sleeps with and hurts dozens of women and gambles till he is a bankrupt -- but the worst of his sins is his pride. He bullies and uses my mother because he can't get to me. If I say something unpleasing to his ears, she gets the brunt of it. She'll come to me the next day, scold me, coax me and at the end of the day, I'll have to apologise to that animal. Put on on act. Pretend to take in all that he says. Pretend that I am indeed that rude, unfilial daughter whom the church has not been able to change. Yes, he blames the church too. Anything.

I should be jaded now. That is my only self-defense. As long as I continue to hope, I will keep trying to talk with him -- and that often means disagreeing with him, which he sees as disrespect and the lack of filial piety no matter how well-intentioned and polite I am. So I cannot afford to bear hope that anything will change. Not on earth anyway. Not by my own strength. I have to swallow my own pride and leave it to God. For the sake of my mother, for the sake of our sanity and safety.

I am defenseless; I am powerless against this demon. I was a fool to think I could turn things around.
I am coming to accept this. Gradually.
No space for hope, besides that in God. Honour your parents. I suppose that, in my case, means submitting. By submitting to this earthly demon and submission to the Creator, I can conquer the Devil and whoever he places in my life.
There is still hurt, spite and anger at the injustice in me as I write this out. I am human as much as I am Christian. I don't deny these feelings. Give me time, give me grace and they will fade.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Daniel Goh calls Idols' parents "Uncle & Aunty"

On Singapore Idol's Wildcard Results show last night, Daniel Goh interviewed the contestents' parents, addressing them as "Uncles" and "Aunties".
So Singaporean right?
Can you imagine Ryan Seacrest doing the same?
I love it. I love this culture where I have grown up in. It's Asian, it's Singaporean where our elders are regarded with respect.
McDonald's employees in most parts of the world consists of the marginal members of the workforce -- the lowly educated, the disabled, the ethnically marginal, housewives, the transient non-committed student employees and most of all, senior citizens. They are paid the minimum wage. Yet I believe that the elder workers are treated with respect most of the time here in Asia, or at least Singapore. Up to now, I still say, "Thank you, Aunty," when my table is cleared.
Isn't it such a nice society? Yes, I know we have all the kiasuism, bad service, lousy courtesy and other social ills, but respect for the elders are one of the few nuggets of grace we still have.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Healthy Homemaker

I spend my days now in the luxury of having time on my side.
In the past week, I had a game of badminton and tennis, a swim and two jogs. Filling time around these activities would be housework:
  • Mopping the floor in instalments -- filling up the bucket with water and leaving it till a couple of hours later when I feel in the mood to begin mopping.

  • Doing the laundry -- I'm beginning to find this very therapeutic . I like watching the water fill the tumbling drum and in the middle of the washing, I'll open up the lid to watch the clothes being spun about in the water (which would have turned a little darkish by then) to appreciate the cleaning effect. I like watching the clothes swirl with each forceful twist of the washing drum, stopping for a brief moment before getting swished the other way.
  • I like hanging up the clothes in the balcony in angles that would maximise its sun-exposed surface area. I love taking down clothes which have been sun-dried, not just wind-dried. These clothes are crispy and they smell better. Interestingly, they seem cleaner too.
My right arm muscles are getting tauter with all the racquet games. My complexion and stamina has been improving. I'm feeling happy and pretty. I think the next sign of health is a ferocious libido. I think doing sports releases those hormornes. Those footballers seem to alternate sex with their matches.

Friday, May 19, 2006

YouTube "Les Miserables"

I caught on to YouTube a little behind our time, but in the last two days, I've been spending several hours watching videos of my favourite musicals..

Yesterday, it was "Jekyll & Hyde". Today it's "Les Miserables".
I sat in front of the monitor and speakers, and cried and cried.
Even the bad video quality can't mask the overwhelming effect of these two musicals.

Here's Eponine's (Lea Salonga) "On My Own"
This happens to be my favourite audition piece too. I used this for the "Memories of a Red Autumn" audition last year.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Jekyll & Hyde

From Jekyll & Hyde the musical. I have never watched the musical, but I love the soundtrack. I was overwhelmed by this YouTube video. The lady in white is so captivating. I can't understand why I cry watching good performances.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

An Inconsequential Entry

The exams are over. My 3-month holiday has begun.

I woke up in my bed in my own home today, on my own body's natural alarm at 9AM. The sound of traffic didn't wake me up this time, unlike at hostel where my room faces the main road. The manual taxis and super buses "vroom-vroom" (I can't remembe the proper English term for it.. 'ralf' or something like that) their engines up the slope from 7.30AM.

Using a straight tip screwdriver, I popped out all the keys from my two keyboards today and cleaned up the insides. You'd be amazed at what lies under those keypads. I have no idea where all that grime comes from. Try it yourself!

I watched "Desperate Housewives" live last night with Ly. Usually, we catch taped episodes (2-3 at a time) when I return from hostel over the weekend. It was so enjoyable sitting through the Peugeot and Lee Hwa Jewellery advertisements (instead of fast-forwarding them). Hahaha.. Cheap thrill. Ly and I spent the advertisement break figuring out the catches on my ancient CPU so that he could install the new DVD driver he bought me for my birthday (a guy's practical sense of gift-giving.. last Christmas it was a red Microsoft ergonomic mouse.. this year for no apparent occasion, he got me a second-hand LCD monitor to replace the CRT I use in hostel).

I vacuumed the entire house too and put my hostel blanket into the wash.

I applied a face mask and sat on my throne naked (didn't want the goo all over my clothes) while waiting for the ingredients to have its promised effects on my skin. I finished the excreting activity in an unexpectedly prompt 5 minutes and washed everything off in 7 minutes. I really have no patience for these beauty products that require sitting and waiting.

That's all I did. It's already 6PM. Nine to six -- a full-working day for most and that's all I did. I love the lavish amount of time I have now and the sinfully luxurious way I spend it. (But this joy in the abundance of time won't last long. I'll get itchy for activity again and overcommit myself.)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Know Thy Enemy

I fear the day my sister finds a boyfriend. Just like what she is already experiencing from me, I'd get less of her. Her boyfriend would be my enemy -- at least in terms of getting her attention, and if he makes her cry.

She said she likes Malaysian guys (from whatever interactions she has had with Malaysian scholars I believe).

Over dinner in hall with a bunch of nice wholesome Malaysian boys one evening last week, I picked one out and told him I'd like him to meet my sister. Sean's a really pleasant fellow. He's got this SNAG element. In a our group conversations, he seems to always be the most respectful one and he treats me with all seriousness (even at this half-joke). He is actually looking forward to meeting my sister. Hahaha! He is serious, but he isn't desperate. I like that about him.
Yes, I am possibly hastening the pace of my sister getting hitched into some relationship, but at least I know my enemy... (=

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Sugardaddy Me?

I'm hitting my 21st year of existence in 10 days time..
In case you feel obliged (be it lovingly and dotingly, if you're a chee-ko-pek who happened to enter my blog, or simply because you know I expect you to know it's my birthday), I shall hlep to make things easier for you nice people. ;p Here's a simple What-You-Can-Get-Me List:

1) Fruits that I don't usually buy for myself:
- Cherries
- Strawberries
- Mangoes
- Peaches
- Cranberries

2) Big haversack for school to throw in my Malay dictionary, files, water bottle, tissue packets, a snack, notes, swimming costume and towel (oh wait, I just bought that for myself last weekend)

3) A manicure voucher (I just want someone to help me clear my cuticles.. I don't know how to do it myself. Don't quite need the full colour and polishing package)

4) Movie vouchers (that's one thing I surely won't throw away :)

5) Scotts Toilet Rolls (the kind with the flower embossments on them) - Currently I use whatever my Dad steals from hotels, ships and planes. I love tissues that treat skin like the most delicate thing in the world.. even if it's the skin on my ass..

6) A non-fabric wrist support pad for my (computer) mouse (the one I bought in China is leaking water, but plugged temporarily by bluetack)

7) Bluetack that isn't blue (I am a sucker for colours)

8) T-shirts that I can go braless in when I am bumming in my hostel room..

9) Shorts (I only have FBTs now)

10) An eyeliner - I don't quite see the need for one yet, but I had a bit of fun with it during production and I won't mind a new toy

11) A set of neat ring binder files to file the coming-of-age important documents that come my way (e.g. insurance statements, bank statements, CPF statements, university documents, certificates, letters to and from important possibly-life-changing organisations, letters from special people etc.)
12) ONE below-$20 middle-size soft toy (approximately the 3/4 the size of an infant), preferbly with limbs so I can imagine it to be my baby, non-furry (it's scary what that synthetic fur can trap), the Mogu-imitation kind of texture would be nice.. I just need one fellow for my bed.
Aiya.. very practical and affordable stuff lah... I am a very easy to please girl. (= Will update the list if I think of more...
By the way, If you're really a sugar daddy:
1) a 15" LCD monitor for my desktop in hostel
2) a bicycle with good suspension and crotch support
3) a pair of tickets to "Grease"
4) a supplementary credit card

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Old Memories

Oh guys, I'm feeling so lonely here in hostel. I can't believe I stupidly dragged myself here, waking up at 6AM this morning to hitch a ride to hall, in spite of the fact that it's the one-week mid-term break now and hall is a dead place. And my threshold for loneliness is almost non-existent.
I had both lunch and dinner alone today. Ahh!! That's torturous. I can't believe I actually ta-powed dinner up today, watched BBC on my PC and ate my nasi briyani. I feel so alone here.
It seems to be a trend. Being part of a production never fails to make me feel so lonely all over again. I always thought it was because I had a small role, but no, it's really just me. Even playing the star in this show did not socialise me. I am just plain anti-social when it comes to these rara events. By the last few days of production, I was feeling so lonely in the dressing room as everyone went around taking photos and playing cards. I don't know what inhibits me from joining the reverie. Perhaps it is a lack of meaningful relationships.
Anyway, I was looking through some old photos and guess what? Look at what I unearthed!

2004: The Necessary Stage's Theatre For Youth Ensemble M1 Youth Connection "Secrets From My Room" with Chong Tze Chien (who has gone on to a better life with The Finger Players)

3 layers of latex on my face to achieve this aged effect.

In the end, I did not join the old team, but became the smooth moon-face with the environmentally-unfriendly tonne of white hairspray.

Look! This is the one photo I am most excited about.

Looking at who was there with me on my 19th birthday and performance in 2004 and comparing it with those who came again for my show 2 years later. Mike, Michelle, Tengren, Hongsheng, Gracie (albeit from afar this time), Sweets, my dear sister and Mum!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Production's Over!

I can't believe it. It's finally over. It's really over.
2.5 months of intensive rehearsals,
Late nights & missing hall breakfasts,
Falling in love all over again,
making out, kissing and slapping,
Learning to play a woman & a girl (my first truly feminine role),
getting hurt by people,
but seeing the beauty of many others,
growing in myself,
cold stays in the UCC (University Cultural Centre),
heavy make-up, killer hairspray and mic-up,
2 Nights @ the UCC with more than 40 close friends and relatives who made me matter,
Mum & her Aunty gang,
Cui's unceasing support,
late-night supper,
Ly delivering Vitagen, a superb egg-mayo sandwich & transporting me,
lesions on my chest from the repeated application & removal of double-sided tape (to prevent me from zhao-genging).

Some photos. I didn't take many. I intend to go kapo photos from everyone else in production. Photos of friends and family who came are on film, and aren't developed yet.

This update entry is specially for you, Gracie. Thanks for your support even though you're so far away in Long Island.

Publicity Poster @ The Arts Canteen
2 weeks before Production dates
The Girls of the Pearl & their Hum-Sup Patrons

Thank you everyone who made the effort to come. Your presence really means the world to me. You made production meaningful and worthwhile. Thank you for showing me that I matter to you.

Berwine and Chelsea - You've been with me since my first performance in 1999..
Yi Ting - I can't believe you're still with me after all these years. Thank you Ting for making the effort to keep in touch and to keep a place in your heart for me.. mMuack!
Michelle, Mike & Tengren - I can really count on you guys! Even after coming for my awful performance with The Necessary Stage in March 2005, you guys still have faith!
Justin - Yes, despite all...
Yes, there are others too, but they don't visit my blog so I've found other means to thank them. ;p

More photos..

The ensemble girls. Look at the black band round Lishi's (in cobalt blue) thigh. That's the mic receiver (I don't know the exact technical jargon for it). While mine was strapped around my waist, the ensemble girls decided to put theirs around their thighs. I thought it looked like a great alternative to the garters that we couldn't afford to buy.

This is Sebestian, who plays Jing, my love interest. He apparently wasn't too keen on posing with me. Nevertheless, this is the only image I have of him, besides the ubiquitous posters. This was taken on the first night. Our hair wasn't done in the most flattering way. I looked like a drowned sotong with my thin hair plastered down my egg-shaped head.

A slightly better shot. This was my hairdo for the 2nd night. Next to me is Elvin, who plays the comedic pimp and close friend to my character, En.

"Memories of A Red Autumn" Memorabilia: 2 publicity posters, the programme, a sweet letter from my sister with a hand-made badge "Wei the Star", a card and chocolates from Grace, another sweetie levelmate, and her boyfriend, flowers in the background..

Sunday, January 15, 2006

What's Been Keeping Me

Hi Everyone!
It's been about 3 months since I updated this blog. This is what has been keeping through the whole of December and all the way till mid-Feb.
I personally think it's a most unflattering photo of me, but regardless of how I feel, it's probably going to be splashed on pillars and noticeboards campus-wide in a week or two's time.
I'm happier now (compared to my last entry). I know I shoudn't have left that entry being the greeting one for the last 3 months. Such a misguided impression of my life. I apologise. My life at this point is fairly exciting. I am doing what I love.
Rehearsals with the instrumentalist.. working with the vocal coach..
The photos on the link aren't great. Really. Taking them past 2AM after a full night of rehearsals is very visually unflattering.