Dear God,

I feel like shit. I feel like dying – perhaps not forever – just a few days. But I have no time to die. The ‘A’ levels are in less than 3 weeks away. I’ve been waking up the last few mornings feeling tired, feeling unslept. I usually get my 7-8 hours, but I still feel like shit in the morning. My palpitations are killing me. They drain me of energy, from my mind to my fingers. I can’t concentrate; I have no energy, much less strength. I can’t even pray. My mind’s all over the place, or in nowhere; it’s racing through so many things, or nothing.

I feel like giving up. Just a little. I don’t even know what I want. I don’t want to give up, but I feel like doing so now. Not forever, just a while, maybe 3 days. But I can’t afford it. God, I feel like shit.

Last night, I had a bad bout of palpitations just doing my quiet time. My heart was beating fast, and later, after it slowed down, it was pounding hard against my chest. It’s just my heart, probably the size of my fist, barely 3% of my body mass, yet it controls my whole body. When Ly came last night, I told him I felt like dying, I really did. I felt as if my life was draining away with each heartbeat. It was like I was on my deathbed, dying gradually and quite TV-ish, not really suffering, just slowly giving up my life.

I’m not exhausted now. I think it’s lethargy. Lethargy and exhaustion still produce the same effect on me, more or less. Lethargy’s technically not so bad; perhaps I only need something, someone to jolt me out of lethargy. Exhaustion is terrible. I get weak all over, to the point of helplessness. A burglar can come in, and I can’t do anything, can’t even open my mouth to scream for help.

God, I feel like shit. I just want to cry now. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m behind my study schedule. I can’t stop and rest.

Well, God, at least I’ll thank you for tears now. I’m more in control of them then my mind or body. When I let them out, I feel better, even if it’s for a while. But couldn’t you have made them less itching? My eyes itch when I cry.

I just want to lie cradled in your arms now, away from everything, away from myself.