I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with emotions now. There was a emotional and heated discussion on the fact that Ms Chong has been posted to Ministry in the last term before our ‘A’ Levels, and a petition regarding this matter put up by Alex.

I don’t feel as much for the situation which everyone is so involved in now as I do for the general broader scope of things. Amidst the two-faced Ram, K the arbitrator, do-something-about-it Alex, doubts of the masses on the quality of the new teacher, accusing the ministry for such making such an unfair move etc., I feel very sad. Not quite at the situation, but at how people are taking to it.

With respect to Alex and the petition, I have some degree of admiration for that guy. I had previously passed him off as a talk-big-full-of-unattainable-ideals-unrealistic-do-nothing guy, but this time, he has proven himself.

What I think is grossly lacking in the whole matter is the basic human capability to understand. The capability is there, I believe, but not many are actually bothering to use it. The petition and all the non-written, verbal grievances comes across to me as an expression of self-interest. I don’t feel as if there is much thought, if any, given to the parties directly involved, other than us. Take for example, the Ms Chong’s personal good in the long run, the ministry’s needs, the new teacher who is to come in.
Yet, in contrast to this huge element of self-interest, there also is the intention to do, or at least seek good. Unfortunately, well intentions don’t come out and/or are not interpreted with the same good it originally vied for. It’s such a pity – not as a cliché but really a pity.
I felt like crying just now. I did tear a little, to be honest. I simply felt so helpless in and sorry for this state of human politics.

I've hurt someone yet again. I can't help it. Actually, I'm not sure whether I can. But I am glad for this time, I think I've nipped it in the bud before the situation got worse (i.e. that that person could get more hurt if I had let it dragged on). I attacked the problem in its infancy. It'd hurt a little, but not as much as it would had I let it continue to grow.

God is good. I prayed for my wandering heart and He gave me peace in a matter of days. Perhaps I need to pray for the above matter too.

I want to be totally honest, but, as I told YC, I fear rejection.
I like talking to him. He is frank and he sees more of the real me compared to most of the class at least. When I make a seemingly casual statement (as how most people and sometimes, even myself, would take it), he does not merely laugh over it and pass it off. Instead, he questions the source of such a statement. He asks the "why" and "how" questions. I really like that. It makes me feel that I'm being treated seriously.

The me whom everyone saw last year is still the same me this year. Last year, the me they saw was the ditsy, idiotic, brainless giggling irritant. This year, it's different. But I have not changed -- not much at least. It's only my mask which I have been forced to changed.

Airport! Padang! South China Plain!

I spent an uneventful evening yesterday looking for an "honest" bra. My chest is as 2 dimensional as the South China Plain. Despite that, I am still expected to wear a strangling and restrictive, sweat-retaining, presumably-supportive inner clothing accessory commonly known as the rude three letter word -- the bra.
My entire evening was as fruitless as traumatised my chest was, with all the trying-ons of ridiculously conical bras which the measly amount of flesh I have been endowed with could not fill. I hate wearing falsees, yet I am not brave enough to go strutting in public with a mere piece of cloth with no shape to cover the vulgar looking dots.
I went up to countless bra-selling assistants and made my case clear, Do you have anything for me? I'm very Bi (Hokkien for flat), like Primary 4 girl, but I don't want the training bras, must be able to wear T-shirt wan.
[Terminology for non-bra-wearing humans: A training bra is made of cloth only; it has no cup shape. As its name suggests, it is meant to train pubescent girls, at an average age of 7 years my junior, who are beginning to grow there, to get accustomed to the cruel practice of wearing a proper bra.]

The Father

Mum was quite upset today. Not the over-traumatised kind of upset, it was a frustrated though resigned gentle burst, than steady flow of emotions. We might go to Australia to run away from Father: Mum, Cui and me. Mum has done some calculations: likelihood of gaining PR status there, what amount results from liquidating everything in Singapore, education in Australia etc. She seems quite serious about it.
Initially, I thought that that would be an exciting and favourable alternative to staying in Singapore, where we are stuck to the man who causes so much unhappiness and tension at home. Furthermore, overseas living would be an different and interesting experience, along with having a foreign education. Different lifestyle -- we might even end up living in a house! Who knows?
But then, the next thing, the counter-argument, which came to my mind was Ly. How could I leave him behind? Sure, we can talk over the phone, e-mails, video-conferencing through webcams.. but I can't feel him. That was frightening. Not that either one of us is some lusty creature, but touch is ever so important in any relationship. Even if I could overcome that, will I trust him to keep me and only me in his heart while I'm away, and will he trust me? Will I be able to maintain a long-distance relationship without "straying", will he? He's bonded to the MOE for another 7 years, his bond ends in 2010. That's when I'm 25. I don't suppose I can get him to come to Australia then, in the event that I want to settle down there.

Am I jumping the gun? Perhaps Mum said that all in a moment of frustration and rashness. Have I accurately perceived the severity of the matter?

The more immediate worry now should be Mum. All that she said about Australia could simply be a way to express how she's feeling now.

Pa is losing in all aspects of the battle: ideological, political and economic. There is only one area which he reigns in now -- military force. That's one thing the rest of us have no control over.
He is fast losing me. I am losing hope of ever changing him, or seeing any future in our father-daughter relationship. Cuiwen doesn't look like she's on his side either.
He borrows money from Mum and promises to return her, but doesn't. When confronted now, he accuses Mum of causing his downfall and demands compensation instead. Mum can't say no. The despicable scheming man, the absurdity of it all. How sad.
How can he not expect me to know that he pays for practically nothing in the house when he blatantly passes me $2 and says, "Na, Wei, wo qing ni chi MacDonalds, " after winning a few hundred in his 4D gambling obsession?

I don't know what God wants me to do now. Would he want me to leave my father, or sin more in trying to salvage the situation? I really don't know. This isn't a black-and-white matter.

WeiWei & Me

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