Outgoing & Sociable, But Alone

A guy from Arts Orientation Camp rang me up late one night. I enjoyed chatting with him till he found out I was attached at which point he said, "Oh my gosh, I feel so embarrassed now."

I laughed. I did not think there was anything to be embarrassed about, but apparently I could hear him turn pink over the phone. Anyway, we continued talking until I eventually succumbed to fatigue. His parting line was, "Wow, my impression of you has changed over this phone call."

Of course, taking the cue, I probed further.

" I thought you were very wild -- ok, let me rephrase that -- outgoing, but after tonight, I am wondering which convent you came from. You're quite scary actually."



Basically, I feel so different from all my peers. I have not found any one within 5 years of my age who has thought/is thinking of settling down.

I am quite sure that those of you reading this also do not share my sentiments.

Yes, I want to settle down young. I want to have 2 kids before I hit 30; the final number being three. I cannot wait to build up my nest, shop for furniture from IKEA, make sure my dear husband does not allow our home to turn into a dumping yard, laze around on Sunday afternoon after church in our air-con master room with the curtains drawn and him leaning over me as we read some lifestyle magazine together then have afternoon weekend sex before he takes us out for supermarket shopping in the evening.

I want to tender my resignation, or at least long-term no-pay-leave application when my babies arrive. I want to plan our dinner menu, try to master boiling some soup favourites, get rid of my fear of peeling prawns (their legs remind me of cockroaches -- the sea version), be rid of my strong hesitance to fry fish and dirty the kitchen, cook for my husband, sing hymns to my children..

I do not understand why I feel these urges so strongly raging within me while on the other hand, I have peers swearing that they will not get married till at least 30 so they can experience life in her full glory first. I shan't go down to being moralistic, self-righteous or the last bit trend-analysing. Whichever is the "right" feeling to feel at this age, why is it I don't conform with the mindset of the rest? Have I been a hermit, an anti-social recluse, a radical, living in my own bubble, socially insensitive all this while? Did I grow up in a different air? Or is it simply because I have found The One? The One whom I can plan and imagine living that life with?

This is what makes me feel so set apart from my peers. This issue crops up (again) because I am entering a new social phase of my life. I am possibly going to be staying in hostel, full of promiscuous young adults, wild and free, unbounded by an relationship of plans for the future. I am going to be interacting once again with people my age (a year teaching at a government school did not leave me with many friendly social engages with the like-age). I tremble with eager anticipation at returning to young life, yet a tad fearful that I won't find a group who can accept me the way I am, or a group I can accept.

Please, if there is even one person who shares my
sentiments,

please sound yourself out,

let me hear you and take comfort

that I am not alone.

If there aren't any, then lend me some words of consolation, assurance that I will find my place in university among real friends despite who I am.