My Mum has just gotten admitted into a hospital in Singapore for the same unknown symptom that leaves her with painful stomach spasms and stiffens her body.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know how bad the situation is. I don't know whether the situation will demand my premature return to Singapore. It's scary.
I can't seem to contact anyone at home, perhaps because it's past midnight in Singapore now.
I'm stuck in a loveless place here at Berkeley where I am judged and toyed with, where I've learnt to regret trusting people.
I've got no more boyfriend who will love me foolishly and unconditionally. I don't blame him. If there's anything I am guilty of, it's him. I can't expect him to be my crutch anymore when I know I can't love him the way he loves me. It's pure cruelty.
I'm flying off to Pittsburgh in 9 hours time.
I thought it'd be a respite from the mess I am in here at Berkeley, but I just realised I'm entering another danger zone.
I've got myself in so much mess here in Berkeley it's unspeakable. My heart's a mess, my mind's incoherent. I can't trust myself anymore.
I've got no one to turn to now.
No one to trust.
Relationships are so fleeting, so unpredictable right now.
I'm neither here nor there.
Not American enough, no longer completely Asian.
Neither side can understand me, neither side can accept me.
My only relief is in tears.
I want to sleep. I want to get high. I want to vacate my mind.
I know it'd all be over soon, God's in all of this, but as of now, it's excruciating just living day by day.
I don't know who I'm pouring this out to.
I don't know if I'd regret publicising my life in a moment of impulsive disorientation.
It suddenly seeems so much easier to talk to strangers than people I think, I thought I could trust, and people I expect love and understanding would come from. These expectations just murder me, they kill me in the most painful way.
I just can't think anymore. Forgive me, and love me if you can.
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1 comment:
Take care. As you've said, it's all part of God's works. Its hard to accept and understand it sometimes, but we all gotta trust in him.
You can always turn to God. He has always been there, as long as you are willing to open to him.
And one more thing, you don't need to conform to society. Choose to follow Jesus.
Pray. :)
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