Things are better now

Mum is out of the hospital.

I have decided to remove myself from an oppressive narrow-minded social group that made me feel so deviant just by being me. I don't hate them; I'm not angry with them either because I was once like that myself. And in many others ways, I probably still am close-minded. It's not a crime being blind, but it's a sad thing to be, and even sadder thing not to realise it.

I've realised the cause of my instability and volatility during the last few months..

Durkheim saw man as Homoduplex -- as an individual and a socialised personality sharing the same body. Man only becomes fully human in and through society. Hence, true moral action lies in the sacrifice of certain individual desires for the service of groups and society.

I have never realised how large my social being was in relation to my self-self. Being away from home, my stable society, and living here where I live in multiple social realities that are so different from what I have been accustomed to, shifted my centre of gravity me so greatly. I mistakenly kept tuning myself and hence compromising things I've always held fast to, to the little societies I got myself involved in here. Against my own grain, I tried hard to integrate, to assimilate my ways of thought and behaviour to each group. And it happened that the social groups I lived in here not only contradicted each other, but also the society I grew up in. I found myself oscillating from one extreme to the other because I had unwittingly placed too much value and trust in what others espoused and expressed. Not surprisingly, I thus never found my place, never found my balance. I was beginning to lose myself in all this.

The same events are still happening, but now I'm in control of how I feel, because I know the self within me is the most constant amidst these external variables with regard to my own life. And this self is regaining its position in my homoduplex body and regulating the effects this dynamic and unstable external environment has on me.

Biology students call this homeostasis. ;)

I am still a very social being and I will never deny that. Social control can at times be oppressive and unkind. However, just as much as I hate it, I am very much, too, a part of it. People and relationships still matter a lot to me, and this will remain the case for me, even if it means subjecting myself to the possibility of being stifled, or being hurt. The right people and relationships in my life will bring out the essence of my human spirit in the most joyous way. (=

To those who have faithfully kept up with my life through my blog even while I am so far away and out of constant contact with you, thanks.