Bitter

Reflecting on the content and tone of my blog, I realised I can be a bitter person. As of this point, the two life events I’ve been most bloggably bitter about have been the ‘A’ Levels and The Necessary Stage’s Theatre For Youth Ensemble (TNS TFYE). Admittedly, I have been a tad childish in my responses to these two, having written in strong tones of I’m-happier-without-you and you-made-my-life-a-living-hell-but-good-riddance-to-you-now.

My 2 years of JC life were hellish while my experience at the year-long TFYE programme left me disillusioned about the quality of the youth-and-theatre curriculum, the real (as in practical and usable) experience I gained, the type of people and social dynamics of that group. I have been obliged to write a detailed feedback of the programme, but I’m finding it really difficult. I suddenly have nothing to say, particularly for the what-have-you-gained questions. Critical as I am, I don’t know where to begin for the what-could-be-improved question. I’m honestly dumbfounded.

JC was awful, getting into TFYE wasn’t easy in terms of maternal and civics-tutor approval. At the end of the day, my efforts to be part of that group proved so futile, and worse, possibly detrimental to my already poor academic record (taking up of my Saturday afternoons). I am bitter about the seemingly unnecessary experience – the wasted time that could have otherwise gone into getting my driving license as soon as I hit 18 last year.

I suppose I expected too much out of the group of teenagers. I should have only expected the theatrical experience, and nothing more. I just realised why I’m so disillusioned – I had unconsciously expected relationships to form, a certain form of emotional intimacy within the group that worked together for a year. I found nothing close to that. While I made attempts to go deeper in a more recognisable form of friendship with some of them, I never received any promising response. I suppose this was a result of several factors:
· I don’t clique well with this youthful theatrical bunch by virtue of the cosmic differences in our characters and life’s priorities. Most of them there belong to the “more-liberated” and self-serving (in that the impact of their actions on others are barely considered) age. Theatre was apparently a passion to them (even if it’s a perceived passion to them that would probably die off with the onset of reality and maturity).
· I was quickly judged as passé, forgettable and possibly apathetic. It’s easy for them to come to that conclusion because of my rule-by-the-head nature. Unfashionable and “out”: I barely dressed up for TFYE sessions because they were 3-hour Saturday affairs spent rolling on the floor; practicality and comfort came before my sense of aesthetics. Apathetic: I didn’t fly into extreme ends of boyfriend-related, instructor-infatuated or showbiz-fever emotions, and I couldn’t empathise with those who did.
· My tactics of breaking through didn’t translate well.
· At some point, I gave up trying to gain an experience from the ensemble. I just did what I had to and hungrily anticipated the end.

Am I justifying myself? Apparently if I’m still harping on TFYE, I must have felt something strongly about it. It must have meant something to me, or at least, I must have hoped it did.