Sunday, September 28, 2003

Mum

I’ve missed my mother.

Work has taken her away from weekday dinners more often than before, but work is just one of them.
I have taken her away from me too. My impatience has taken some of her – our relationship – away.

I’m afraid we’re losing that special, unconventional yet every-mother-and-child-would-love-to-have relationship. Recently, most of our conversations are so un-interactive. For me, it’s a monologue when I try talking to her. When she talks to me, suddenly she sounds more like the mother everyone else seems to have – repetitive, mundane and irrelevant. Irrelevance and repetition scares me the most; these are what will chase me away, make me shut off from all that she says.

I’m scared, close to tears because she’s all I have on earth. I have God, yes, but He’s up there. I know He’s supposed to be everywhere and I should never need anyone else when I have Him, but still… my faith isn’t that strong enough. Ly: he’s a good boyfriend, steady and I’m happy, but our relationship still isn’t sealed; it isn’t permanent like a mother-daughter relationship.

I’m praying about this. Ly said to entrust everything to God. What that means is that I acknowledge that nothing I own on earth, including the unique relationship with Mum, actually belongs to me, but to God. That way, I leave everything to him and I don’t worry about using my human strength to sustain the relationship. Of course it doesn’t mean I do nothing about it. Rather, it implies that the source of energy behind any of my actions comes not from within but from Him.

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