Tears of Gala Night Eve

Tonight, I cried my eyes out after TC passed his genuinely disappointed comments on our full-dress rehearsal.

I am not usually affected by mass reprimanding and the likes, but it was a personal comment he made at me that got me so upset. He questioned me whether I had been trying hard enough through the production process. This is a sore spot because I am aware of my weak spirit that gives up so easily. It was the same weakness that made me give up on my A Levels. Yet, TC was speaking of this with particular reference to my voice projection, which I feel I had worked sufficiently at, but simply cannot make the mark because of what I’m naturally gifted (or rather, ungifted) with – a shrill and small voice. In addition to that, I suspect my inflamed thyroid gland is preventing me from fully opening up my throat. Are these physical attributes the reason why I’m not performing to the mark, or are these exactly the excuses that make me underachieve?

Secondly, I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to do well in the gala night’s show.

However, when Ly asked me why I was upset at the production which he had the impression didn’t mean much to me (not of his fault, but perhaps understood from my passing-off comments about the rehearsals), I realised where another major sensitivity lay. This production does mean something to me, just as all my performances do, even if I’m working with a group of strangers. It matters to me because this is probably going to be my last stage performance. I’m probably not going to be allowed to dabble in theatre in University, which would have been my last chance in this area since I’m not pursuing theatre as a profession.
Mum is sorely disappointed with my A level results. She never has been so upset with my academic performance. She has blamed my distracted mind, involvement with TFYE and worst, Ly. While I do not disagree with her, it just upsets me this badly, that I no longer have her approval and support in what I do and what means a lot to me. She seems so displeased, so unhappy with me. She tells me that it’s good that TFYE and the late nights will be over in these few days. Yes, that is what I have articulated too, but not really the only sentiment I have.

This performance, particularly tomorrow’s one is also very important to me because it is the only day when Mum, Cui and my friends are coming. It is the only day, and probably the last, when I get to prove myself on stage to those close to me. I fail terribly in the academics, which so often seems the world to most people and the value I have inevitably allowed to rub a little onto me. At least, I still have theatre to justify my worth, my uniqueness? I know this is such a terribly childish notion, but here I am laying my most basic vulnerability to everyone now, complete and unabridged.