I see the death of TFYE 2003 as just a chapter in my life. No story has really ended. Perhaps the one about theatre with that bunch of youths, but not the conclusive, decisive, life-changing finale of any major part of my life.
Most of the cast (the two stage manageress too) were so teary on Saturday night. Even TC.
Most of us at least; I could not get a shot of all of us together.
I wish I could have felt something more. I don't know why I was so relatively unaffected.
I rationalised:
Maybe it's because I'm too logical and sensible. I didn't see much to cry over.
Yes, it was the last day of that journey. But so what? Journeys end every day. Maybe this was a major journey to many. Some journeys end without us even knowing it. For instance, friendships end after one particular meeting which no one realised would be the last. Phases of innocence and ignorance come to an end with each experience. People are dying, life journeys are ending. What is this single theatrical one in relation to all the rest?
TC washed everyone's feet and many tear ducts were activated in the process. It was touching -- the way TC chose to perform such a menial and humble act. I watched him as he even washed the bucket and pieces of cloth he used to wipe our feet, himself. Very sincere and very domesticated.
But I couldn't see how washing our feet marked the end of our year-long TFYE journey.
Maybe it's because I did not go through as much as they went through together. I wasn't part of the much-fondly-remembered, emotional and bonding production "3" last year. I wasn't a dying human in this show. I was an eternal and aimless Moon. My emotional journey had never been anything close to that of the majority of the cast.
When I saw everyone in the mood that night, I was a little upset at myself that I wasn’t as sentimental as everyone.
But two nights of good sleep have returned me to my logical self again. Just because everyone feels that way does not mean that it is the only way to be, nor does it mean being otherwise is wrong. Different yes, but not wrong. It’s so easy to get caught up, get upset, get ecstatic, get swayed and get taken in by the crowd of the moment.
The entire pre-last-show scene was just so evangelical.
I’m not saying that the rest who cried are easily swayed, but I have ascertained that just because the majority are feeling some form of solidarity doesn’t mean I, in the event that I’m not singing the same note, have to oblige myself to feel that too.
“It’s me. It’s only me.”
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