Friday, March 26, 2004

Turning 19

Frankly, the day’s events were sucky (those close to me knows that I use the word “sucky” when I’m exasperated and can’t find any official English vocabulary to describe my experience) for the following reasons:

1) I woke up to a feeling of loneliness, an emotional hangover from the night before. I felt like going shopping for my monthly spluging item with a good close friend, but none were available (the few I had in mind were busy). My Mum didn’t give me a wake-up call to wish me Happy Birthday (in fact she never said it at any point through the entire day).
2) I spent half my day at The Necessary Stage among people I have known for a year but barely have a rapport with.
3) TC the director, whom I once thought to must be nicest SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) ever, came up with the most ludicrous and ironic conclusion about my lack of fusion with the characters in the play – telling me I think too much and don’t feel enough. Then again, perhaps he was right – but within the TFYE group itself. Elsewhere, I sometimes believe that I emote too much for my own good.
TC even told me that I seem to be hiding my own vulnerability behind all the questions that I ask. I just want to know more, and I think questions are a good way to start a meaningful conversation than a mere comment on something obvious to both speaker and speakee. I don’t believe I’m justifying myself here, because I simply do not understand how TC, someone whom I had developed a level of admiration and respect for, could come up with something so remotely far away from who I am. Am I in self-denial? Perhaps I can’t quite blame him. All he knows about me is from what he sees me as in my interactions with the theatre group, which I will admit, is quite otherwise from my natural and genuine self.
4) The show went horribly for me. While the rest of the cast were enthralled at having been reduced to tears by TC’s dying grandmother story and thus having been in full swing for the performance, I was treated to the reality of the show’s appeal to a real audience. The audience was bored; they couldn’t make sense of our work. My friends made up 15% of the <70-strong src="http://home.pacific.net.sg/~spotamin/Birthday%20Gang%20good.JPG">
Outside the TNS Black Box after the show

Amardeep, a JC classmate, even took a cab to catch me after my show, knowing that he couldn’t be for the actual performance because tickets were sold out. He joined the church bunch at Secret Recipe decked out in his army garb, looking good, and faithful as a friend.

My sister made me her own bouquet of flowers – the smallest and crudest in comparison with the 3 other elaborate bouquets I received – but the most meaningful because it is both what she does best and the sheer effort and thoughtfulness. And because it is from my sister. She wrote me messages that addressed my insecurity (that stems from having an academically excelling and guitar-talented sister, along with a Mum disappointed in me). “I am so proud of you!” were the headlines of her note. For a younger sister, she certainly is very sharp and sensitive to me, especially surprising when I’ve hardly spoken to her or even seen her the past couple of months because of my afternoon tuition sessions and night rehearsals.


From left: Ly dearest, my white hair, Michelle, Tengren, Mike, Hongshen, Shanci the gorgeous one and Edmond

Ly, very graciously and lovingly took a backseat as I caught up with the rest of my friends. Our supper of 9 included ex-classmate Amardeep whom I probably will not see for a long time after this and ex-boyfriend Edmond whom I’ve not seen for a long time. Ly took me home. He told me sincerely that even after the entire theatre business thing, when I’m with him, I’m Weiling. It’s like I’m back home.

A third kind of feeling that weakened me yesterday was that of I-wish-I-could-give-more-of-myself-to-them feeling. I wish I could have spent my birthday with Mum, Cui and Mama too, but I didn’t because I was out with my friends. I hope they don’t have the impression that my friends mean more to me then them. I am just so pressed for time.

I do thank God for showing me what really is important. Minutes before I was due on stage, I was frantically praying and yet resigned that my prayers wouldn’t change anything. I was resigned to His omnipotence – that just because I prayed for the show to go well doesn’t mean that He would ensure it, because He may know better that that isn’t what I need. It was a terrible feeling to be so helpless for that moment. But yes, God indeed knows what my heart needs – and He gave it to me, in fact, more than what I would have actually asked for.